My Healthcare Nightmare

I haven't blogged in a long time, but I was sitting here in tears this morning because of my current healthcare situation, not sure if I'm doing the right thing or if I should try something different.  I feel like I at least should write my story down, even if only a couple of people read it.

When we first came to San Antonio, my wife got a job in the Healthcare field and I got a job as an IT contractor.  We had health insurance through my wife's job since my contracting company does not provide insurance.  After she left the job to pursue a career as a personal trainer, we looked at the options provided under the Affordable Care Act, and then decided to continue COBRA coverage from my wife's previous job since the premium was the same and the deductibles were slightly lower.  I was shocked how expensive the premiums were compared to a few years ago, but of course we would keep our heath insurance!  We have always had health insurance! Everything was fine, until I actually started having some health issues.

Up until this point, I was eating healthier (still do), I was running 5 miles 4-5 days a week, was loosing weight and feeling pretty good.  But then one day, I started feeling a fluttering in my chest, pain, and decreased lung capacity followed by dizziness, shock, and anxiety that I might be dying.   I went to my Doctor, and he referred me to a cardiologist.  The Cardiologist looked at my EKG and said 'your EKG indicates you might have had a heart attack, but I don't believe it; let's do more tests'.  After an expensive round of testing, including the gold standard of cardiac catheter, he didn't find any issues with my heart.  I also went to an endocrinologist and pulmonologist, who couldn't find any cause either.   All the while these doctor's visits were draining my savings and I eventually came to a point where I had to make a decision.  I could stop paying the $700/month premium for health insurance and use that money to actually go to the doctor, or keep paying the premiums but quit seeing any doctors.  At the end of last year, I stopped paying my insurance premiums so that I could actually afford to see a doctor.

Since, I was no longer restricted by who I could see, I decided to try a functional medicine doctor.  They did a huge amount of blood work and put me on thyroid, and testosterone replacement meds.  This has helped me to feel a WHOLE lot less fragile, but it hasn't completely cured me.  I still have to be careful with what and how much I eat, and too much bending and bouncing can cause some of my symptoms to return as well.  I think I may have some kind of internal injury, like a torn diaphragm or really bad hiatal hernia, but I'm forgoing further treatment since I don't have health insurance.  It also really sucks that I will be penalized come tax time for making the best decision I could to stop paying the premiums so I could afford to go to the doctor.

I enjoy my job, but I've started looking around simply because I'm not currently insured; but it's hard to leave a job you like for something you are not so sure about.  When I feel better, I don't look as hard and when I feel worse, I start looking again.

Surely I'm not the only middle class person who has been squeezed by these steep premiums and have had to make a decision between forgoing a doctors visit, and paying the high health insurance premium. I'm not a political person, I'm not particularly fond of either party or the political polarization these days, heck I haven't registered to vote in quite a long time.  But this current (un)Affordable Care Act is a middle class nightmare, especially for those of us not covered by our Employer.   If any politician had a viable solution to replace the current disaster, I would definitely register and vote for that person.   I personally think we should either go all in (a single payer system), or not at all.  This monstrous hybrid we currently have will literally kill the middle class.

House-parenting... a year on.

It has been quite some time since I've posted to my blog mainly because I haven't yet figured out how to share much of what I deal with and think about on a daily basis and respect the privacy of the children we care for and their families. But I wanted to share some brief thoughts about what I do, and some observations about this current generation.

House-parenting is very difficult. I know, shocker right? Coming into this, I knew that it would be difficult, but I wasn't prepared for all the ways it would be difficult. Arguing, disrespect, cursing, lying, sneaking -- all those were expected, but there were two things that caught me by surprise. First, I didn't realize how difficult it would be for our own children to be in this ministry. They have to hear other kids in the house talk bad about us behind our backs; they sometimes get treated badly just because they are 'staff kids', and they don't get all the counseling resources the 'placed kids' do. Second, I wasn't prepared to deal with the darkness that the kids who come here love so much. It is heart-breaking to hear kids talk so positively about all the life destroying things they used to do before coming here. It's almost like the world has been turned upside-down. And sometimes I just begin to think the whole world is like this and start to despair.

House-parenting is also very rewarding. In our short year, we have had teens leave our home both 'successfully' and 'unsuccessfully'. Which basically means they either completed the program, or didn't for whatever reason -- refusing to work on issues, or parents deciding to remove them early are a couple of examples. But in both cases, we have already heard back from both parents and students who wanted to thank us for the impact we had on their lives, even if only for a short time.

Residential Care facilites are very nearly invisible to the Church. This is unfortunate for two reasons. First, because churches don't know about us, then they won't be able to refer families in crises to us. Second, it is unfortunate because we need all the support we can get. I'm not talking about money here, we have individuals and churches that support us financially and many of them come help out on various projects around campus -- and for that we are very thankful. What is missing is relationships -- friendship, community, prayer, emotional support -- or even inviting a family over for a weekend get away. We are a fairly isolated and invisible bunch, which can make life difficult at times.

Two parent homes really do make a difference. In the year that we have been here, we have had 10 different teens in our home and only one of those teens still had both biological parents living at home. Most have had multiple step-parents, or in some cases were being raised by an Aunt, or Grandparent. I'm not saying that blended families can't work, but our numbers indicate that blended families have to work extra hard to make sure everyone settles into the new family unit. I don't think this is a magic bullet, but it is one big common denominator for most kids here.

Youth culture in America is creating immature and unprepared adults. Another big common denominator would be American youth culture. Here we give our kids a cell phone, a car, and lots of free time to hang out with their friends, listen to crappy music, and sometimes experiment with drugs or sex. We don't, however, give them hardly any responsibilities or teach them basic living skills. I find it amazing that so many older teens who come here don't know how to wash clothes, wash dishes, run a vacuum, or scrub a toilet (but do know how to identify various drugs, or can write lyrics from dozens of songs from memory). What are they going to do when they leave home, live in filth?

Teens don't really want to become adults, they just want to stay teens. You may have seen articles about how the Millennials are not growing up, but are still living at home with mom and dad, or about how America is being 'Infantilized' by either our consumeristic society, or by political nanny's. Those may be very true, but why would they want to grow up when they have their cell phones to text on, and their friends to hang with? I think we may be delaying some of those 'Adult' responsibilities far too long because, by the time they are 18, many have already developed the mindset that life is about hanging out with friends and partying.

Convergence - God, Parenting, and the Early Church.

Over the past couple of weeks I have taken a couple of training courses in preparation for my new ministry as a house-parent; "Love and Logic" and "Developing Capable Young People". While taking these courses, I have noticed some similarities between them and the "Transition" series I listened to a few years ago, as well as the studies I'm currently doing in my spare time on the early Church Fathers.

Relationship:
At the heart of each of these is the idea that relationship should be the primary consideration over all else, including rules and moral code. There is the belief that the use of Power to enforce a set of rules or a moral code through threats, intimidation, and punishment is wholly ineffective in producing an "internal locus of control" or someone who is internally motivated to live a spirit-filled life.

In "Transition," Wayne asks us to re-consider the primary purpose of the Cross. Was it all about God's need to execute Justice on someone? Or was it about restoration -- our need to be cleansed and healed? He then asks us to consider what is driving us in our walk with God; Fear of punishment, or Love and Relationship? Do we change by obedience (effort), or through growing in a trusting relationship with God?

In "Love and Logic" and "Developing Capable Young People," the central idea is to win the heart of your child so that they know that they are loved. Then, through that connection, invite them to learn how to be in a healthy, mutually respectful relationship within the Family, and how to be a needed meaningful contributor to the Family. Within this context there are natural and logical consequences for negative behavior, but they are carried out in such a way that the child knows that the consequence was their choosing, not a punishment done 'to them'; this preserves the relationship between parent and child.

Finally, while reading on the early Church Fathers, I have been fascinated with how they wrestled with the idea of the Trinity. In particular many of the them reflected on the relationship between the Father and Son. They concluded that this relationship was unique, intimate, unbroken, and eternal. This relationship is wholly different from the relationship the Father, Son , and Sprit has with Creation. For them the astounding news of the Gospel is that, through our adoption in Christ, we get to participate in that unbroken, eternal relationship. We are invited into the circle of the Trinity, and are now sons and daughters. It it through participation in this Divine Life that we are remade into who we were meant to be all along.

A bit of the Irish in all of us.

I started reading a couple of books on Irish and Celtic history and spirituality because my wife and I went to Ireland as a sort of late anniversary present. I have been surprised to find out what Western Civilization owes to the Irish. When all of Europe was plunging into the Dark Ages, the Irish Christians were preserving much of the Greek and Latin Literature that we have today, including the Gospels -- one of the more famous Gospel manuscripts being the beautiful Book of Kells.

In addition to preserving literature they brought needed change (shall we dare say reform?) to Christianity. By the 5th century Christianity had become a Roman religion. To be Roman meant being a Christian, and being Christian mean being Roman, christians of this era didn't ever think of preaching the Gospel to Barbarians (those outside the Roman empire). The rigidity and hierarchy of 5th century Roman Catholicism could not be translated into the Irish tribal culture. However, a Roman named Patricius, who was once a slave in Ireland, would return to Ireland after being told to by God in a dream and find that the Irish were a spiritual people quite ready to receive the Gospel. They saw the divine in creation as Paul did, but this was quickly lost in Romanized Christianity. In short they believed God to be both Transcendent and Immanent.

This sense of the world as holy, as the Book of God - as a healing mystery, fraught with divine messages - could never have risen out of Greco-Roman civilization, threaded with the profound pessimism of the ancients and their Platonic suspicion of the body as unholy and the world as devoid of meaning. Even Augustine, whose synthesis of pagan and Christian attitudes is the most remarkable philosophical creation of Christianity's first five centuries, can come nowhere near Patrick's originality. True, Augustine's theories on sin will haunt the Middle Ages, and cast their shadow still. But from the celebratory spirit of the 'Breastplate' will spring the characteristic art and poetry of the western world.

--Thomas Cahill, How the Irish Saved Civilization

I'm sure this doesn't begin to scratch the surface of their contribution to western civilization and christianity -- I have come to appreciate their influence, which can still be heard in 20th century Irish poets:

I see his blood upon the rose
And in the stars the glory of his eyes,
His body gleams amid eternal snows,
His tears fall from the skies.

I see his face in every flower;
The thunder and singing of the birds
Are but his voice - and carven by his power
Rocks are his written words.

All pathways by his feet are worn,
His strong heart stirs the ever-beating sea,
His crown of thorns is twined with every thorn,
His cross is every tree.

-- Joseph Plunkett

Christ beside me, Christ before me

My wife and I will be taking a trip to Ireland next week (May 10th), and I've started doing some reading to get into the Irish spirit. I came across a prayer called 'St. Patrick's Breastplate" also called "The Deer's Cry". It is said that St. Patrick challenged the pagan High-King Laeghaire by lighting a fire during a festival where all fires were to be extinguished. Once all the fires were extinguished the king would light his fire to show that he alone would provide his people with light and fire. Since St. Patrick lit his fire to demonstrate that he had a light of his own to share, the king tried to ambush him but when the king came to where St Patrick had been he only saw a group of deer.

I
For my shield this day
A mighty power:
The Holy Trinity!
Affirming threeness,
Confessing oneness,
In the making of all
Through love...

II
For my shield this day I call:
Christ's power in his coming
and in his baptising,
Christ's power in his dying
On the cross, his arising
from the tomb, his ascending;
Christ's power in his coming
for judgement and ending.

III
For my shield this day I call:
strong power of the seraphim
with angels obeying,
and archangels attending,
in the glorious company
of the holy and risen ones,
in the prayers of the fathers,
in visions prophetic
and commands apostolic,
in the annals of witness,
in virginal innocence,
to the deeds of steadfast men.

IV
For my shield this day I call:
Heaven's might,
Moon's whiteness,
Fire's glory,
Lightning's swiftness,
Wind's wildness,
Ocean's depth,
Earth's solidity,
Rock's immobility.

V
This day I call to me:
God's strength to direct me,
God's power to sustain me,
God's wisdom to guide me,
God's vision to light me,
God's ear to my hearing,
God's word to my speaking,
God's hand to uphold me,
God's pathway before me,
God's shield to protect me,
God's legions to save me;
from snares of the demons,
from evil enticements,
from failings of nature,
from one man or many
that seek to destroy me,
anear or afar.

VI
Around me I gather;
these forces to save
my soul and my body
from dark powers that assail me:
against false prophesyings,
against pagan devisings,
against heretical lying
and false gods all around me.
Against spells cast by women (witches),
by blacksmiths, by Druids,
against knowledge unlawful
that injures the body,
that injures the spirit.

VII
Be Christ this day my strong protector:
against poison and burning
against drowning and wounding,
through reward wide and plenty...

Christ beside me, Christ before me;
Christ behind me, Christ within me;
Christ beneath me, Christ above me;
Christ to right of me, Christ to left of me;
Christ in my lying, my sitting, my rising;
Christ in heart of all who know me,
Christ on tongue of all who meet me,
Christ in eye of all who see me,
Christ in ear of all who hear me.

VIII
For my shield this day I call:
a mighty power:
the Holy Trinity!
affirming threeness,
confessing oneness
in the making of all - through love...

IX
For to the Lord belongs salvation,
and to the Lord belongs salvation
and to Christ belongs salvation.
May your salvation, Lord, be
with us always.

... translation by Neil Dermott O'Donoghue

And here is a shortened variation in Song...

sed oderit uitium, amet hominem

I have been reading from 'Radical" by David Platt, and in Chapter 2 he makes this statement concerning a phrase that originated with Augustine of Hippo:

Habakkuk prayed to God, "Your eyes are too pure to look on evil, you cannot tolerate wrong." And in some sense, God also hates sinners. You might ask, "What happened to 'God hates the sin and loves the sinner'?" Well, the Bible happened to it.

David Platt - Radical, 2010 A.D.

I was going to write down my thoughts about this, but I decided instead to paste a few other quotes from Christians through the ages (and one from Christ himself) and let you decide what you think about this.

For a Christian is a man who knows no hatred or animosity at all against any one, has no anger or revenge in his heart, but simply love, mildness and beneficence; just like our Lord Christ and our heavenly Father himself is, whom he here too takes as his pattern.

Martin Luther, Commentary on the Sermon on the Mount. 1530 A.D.

As love is to good, so is hatred to evil; we wish good to them whom we love, and evil to them whom we hate. If then the will of God cannot be inclined to evil, as has been shown (Chap. XCV), it is impossible for Him to hate anything. ... What is found naturally in all active causes, must be found especially in the Prime Agent. But all agents in their own way love the effects which they themselves produce, as parents their children, poets their own poems, craftsmen their works. Much more therefore is God removed from hating anything, seeing that He is cause of all. ... Some things however God is said, to hate figuratively (similitudinarie), and that in two ways. The first way is this, that God, in loving things and willing their good to be, wills their evil not to be: hence He is said to have hatred of evils, for the things we wish not to be we are said to hate. ... The other way is by God’s wishing some greater good, which cannot be without the privation of a lesser good; and thus He is said to hate, whereas it is more properly [called] love.

Thomas Aquinas - Summa contra Gentiles, Circa 1260 A.D.

It is clear, then, that the man who does not live according to man but according to God must be a lover of the good and therefore a hater of evil; since no man is wicked by nature but is wicked only by some defect (lit. vice is a corruption), a man who lives according to God owes it to the wicked men that his hatred be perfect (Psalm 139:22), so that, neither hating the man because of his corruption nor loving the corruption because of the man, he should hate the sin but love the man. For, once the corruption has been cured, then all that is left should be loved and nothing remains to be hated.

Augustine, City of God - Circa 413 A.D.

You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

Jesus - Matthew 5:43-48 Circa 30 A.D.

Confession and Prayer against the darkness.

I wrote this in my journal today, and thought it might be worth sharing as a reminder that we are not alone in our struggles.


Waves of depression crash over me
then recede.
In one moment all is well, then in the next
a dark wave crashes upon my heart.
Lover and keeper of my soul
keep me anchored in you.
Let not the moors of your steadfast love break free
and send my soul into an ocean of blackness.
Hold me up by your strength when mine is gone,
and keep my by your side.

When the mirror tempts me to loath myself,
Remind me of the beauty you have wrought within.
When my body refuses to heal,
Remind me of the healing you have done within.
When uncertainty tempts me to live in fear of an imagined future,
Remind me to live in the certainty of your present gifts.
When the false teacher tries to cover your beauty with the mask of an angry devil,
Remind me of your single-minded grace and light that reaches into our darkness.
When the Pharisee tempts me to despair with their endless lists,
Remind me that you have done all that is required
and I may rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
And when the world tries to define me by what I may lack,
Remind me that my identity lies in you alone.

Rick Gibson in whom Christ dwells.

Every day has been a gift.

Yesterday, all the little little troubles in my life decided to dog-pile me, and I started feeling a bit blue. But it's funny how God can nudge you and gently remind you, in unexpected ways, how blessed you are.

Last night I was having sitting in Starbucks with my 19 year old son, Zach, and we were talking about his plans for the future. This got me thinking back to the same time in my life. 19 was a year of monumental changes for me, I celebrated my 19th birthday at Texas A&M, then the next semester I was at a community college trying to get my grades up, planning to return. But then my parents separated for a while, and told me that I had to make my own way. Overnight, I went from college student, still depending on my parents, to having to find a job and support myself with little education and few marketable skills. I bear no ill will toward my parents, for even then I understood that they were having tough time. But occasionally I will second guess my own choice to stay in Oklahoma; I was free and could have gone anywhere -- Colorado, Florida, College Station.... But then I look over the course of my life, and realize that I've been blessed. Every day, even the seemingly dark days have been a gift from the hand of God. Who could have guessed that I would have gotten from there to where I am today. There are many things that could have (or can) dramatically change the outcome of my life yet, by the Grace of God, here go I. And though I am doing well financially, that is not what I'm primarily talking about, more so I'm talking about the family I have, the faith that has been refined in me, and the friends I have made.

Then, as if God is wanting to re-enforce this thought, I read this from "It's What You've Been Given, Not What You Lost" in my blog reader morning:

Toward the end of the [Voyage of the Dawn Treader] as the main characters stand at the edge of Aslan’s country contemplating whether to go further, or stay in their respective worlds. At that point King Caspian offers a breath-taking observation, “I’ve spent too long wanting what was taken from me and not what I was given.” It hit me smack between the eyes. There are two ways to live in this world, either being thankful for what God has given you, or growing in bitter frustration at what you’ve lost.

...

When you focus on what God has given rather than the things you’ve lost, you can know great joy and gratitude even in the painful realities of the age we live in. God is the redeeming influence in your life, not the destructive one. Those who seek your destruction are pawns in the hands of a diabolical enemy. As painful as they can make our lives, God is bigger still. He can even turn our losses in this age into a treasures far greater by making himself known in the midst of our pain and disappointment.

All I can say is -- Thank you Father!

The ten dollar 'Nudge'

I wasn't even supposed to be on this particular bus but, as luck would have it, providence was on my side. I had originally intended to catch the 8:30 bus downtown, just as soon as Steph got back from dropping the kids off from school. However, the school drop took longer than expected and I decided to wait for the 9:15 bus rather than try driving like a maniac to make the 8:30 bus. On this morning, I decided to try taking the 'slow road' rather than trying to live life in the fast lane -- for the 8:30 bus is an express bus that makes no stops until it reaches downtown, while the 9:15 bus makes several stops before reaching downtown.

Steph dropped me off at the bus stop about 10 minutes early, and I decided to read a bit from 'Nudge: Awakening Each Other to the God Who's Already There' by Leonard Sweet. And I read these words:

Call them "coincidences," "chance encounters," "God-incidences," or, my favorite, "godwinks," randomness is a reflection of the fact that spiritual forces move mysteriously and "blow where they will." But that very unpredictability is what brings life. Call godwinks "stealth nudges."

A few minutes later the 9:15 bus pulls into the bus stop, and I along with several others begin to board this bus. A few people get on before me, so I end up in a seat several rows back on the right and, after looking around (trying to 'pay attention'), I settled in to read a bit more; at the bottom of page 103 I came across these words:

How many things do we attend without attention? Pay attention to ordinary things where realizing that there is no such thing as "ordinary." Nothing is ordinary. All things are out of the ordinary. Everything that exists is extraordinary and holds the secrets of the universe within itself. We need the eyes to see, the ears to hear, the nose to smell, the mouth to taste, and the hands to touch. Be transfixed by the ordinary so that you can see what you thought was ordinary is really a transfiguration.

As I turned to the next page, my bookmark slipped out of the book and fell into the gap between the seat and the side of the bus. I peered into the gap looking for my bookmark and found it there along with a ten dollar bill. Was it a coincidence that I was on that bus, in that seat, reading 'Nudge', and having a bookmark in this book (I normally dog ear rather than use a bookmark), and then have the bookmark fall out so that I find ten dollars?

As I pondered this chain of events, I started to put the ten dollar bill into my wallet but then decided against it and kept it in my hand. Why would I, who has no need of ten dollars, but rarely carry any cash find it? My only conclusion was that I would cross paths with someone in need of it today, so I was again paying attention to those around me. Was it someone on this bus? No one stood out. I searched the people at each stop, ready to step off if needed. The lady with the young child? No. The man in the wheel chair? No. The woman with the bandaged foot? No.

When the bus reached my regular stop, I knew exactly who I was going to give the ten dollars to. I was so stunned that the person to whom I should give it to was at my stop, that I almost forgot to get off the bus. There he was, a truly homeless, and downcast man. He wasn't one of the fake homeless people that you run across.. the kind that dress the part but are far to clean and go around asking for money. Rather, he looked like he had been rolling in the dirt and smelled like he hadn't bathed in ages. He wasn't bothering anyone; he just sat still looking at his feet, trying to look in invisible. So I sat down next to him and I told him this same story. He looked nervous and kept looking down, but nodded a bit to show he was listening. Then I told him that I believed that God wanted him to have the ten dollars and placed it in his hands. Then he finally looked at me, and I could see gratitude in his eyes; he started whispering 'Bless you, bless you, bless you' over and over again. I patted him on the shoulder and said 'May God Bless you as well', and went on to work knowing that God has spoken and I was able to bless another because I took the time to listen.

What 'Judgement House' did to me

The fear that permeates religion demands that to spread, a larger fear must exist. Selling or marketing religion, as opposed to offering the wonder of love, requires a maneuver not unlike that of a pots and pans salesman, who is taught to introduce people to a problem they don't know they have then to sell them a solution he happens to be selling. Or more precisely, "Spread fear, sell hope."
Fear breeds in a cocoon of scarcity and insecurity. A natural human response is to bargain our way out of it, the net result being that folks who have come to religion by fear have really made a business deal with God. We are sons and daughters of the living God. We are not business partners who have made a bargain to avoid some unpleasant consequences.
-- Leonard Sweet, Nudge

Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent. --John 17:3

I had originally planned on talking at length about all the reasons why 'Judgement House' is something that I think is a bad idea. Things like, borrowing the 'Haunted House' idea from the culture and use the fear it creates to drive people to a decision; how it focuses on conversion rather than discipleship, how those many of those 'conversions' are suspect, how it is a truncated Gospel that lacks the relational emphasis that is at it's heart, and how you have to pretty much already believe the Heaven/Hell/Divine Judge paradigm in order for it to have any affect on you at all. And, most importantly, how it presents a distorted image of the Father.

Instead, I have decided that I would just talk about what 'Judgement House' did to me, as one who was already a follower of Christ. In a post almost 3 years ago, I briefly mentioned that I was disturbed by the production, and that I wrestled with it's portrayal. But there was 3 months of wrestling, reading, doubting God, and depression that preceded that short post. First came the doubts -- could a good God in whom there is no darkness conceive of such torture? Is tossing someone into an eternal fire really a Just punishment? The production made God seem more like Nero, making humans into torches, rather than a God who loved. As a result of these images, I began to lose faith and in an effort to save my faith I began to read widely on alternative views on the subject. I read on the Greek, Roman, and Medieval influences on the concepts of Justice, Wrath, and Hell (among other things). And I read about and seriously considered 'Ultimate Reconciliation' -- so much so that I probably would hold that position today (there aren't as many verses you would have to stretch to believe this as you might think), had I not found C.S. Lewis's 'The Great Divorce'. It's is a shame that I had never heard of this work of his. Though it is fiction, I think it provides a much better way to discuss the subject in our time than images out of Dante's 'Inferno'.

So while some of my friends (and I do still very much consider you friends, even if I disagree with JH) are singing the praises of JH , I will be rereading 'The Great Divorce' -- anyone want to read it with me?

Oh, and just as an FYI, don't bother asking if I want to participate - I've been through that hell already and I'm sure you don't want to pay for therapy. In fact I might need to disappear for about 3 months until the belief in hell's ability to save is out of everyone's system.

Van Gogh on the Blazing, Majestic, Eternal Love of God

In my last post, I very briefly mentioned that in the book 'The Divine Commodity', I learned that van Gogh used the color yellow to represent Divine Love. After learning a little more than the ear incident about Van Gogh, I will definitely never look at his paintings the same way again. 'Starry Night' was always one of my favorites of his, but now I appreciate it even more. He was one who saw the Divine in nature and tried to convey it though his paintings.

One cannot do better than hold onto the thought of God through everything, under all circumstances, at all places, at all times, and try to acquire more knowledge about Him, which one can do from the Bible as well as from all other things. It is good to continue believing that everything is more miraculous than one can comprehend, for this is truth; it is good to remain sensitive and humble and tender of heart . . . . For what can one learn that is better than what God has given by nature to every human soul -- which is living and loving, hoping, and believing, in the depth of every soul, unless it is wantonly destroyed?
-- Vincent van Gogh

A Dream, A Book, A Thought

Several nights ago I had a very vivid dream. One of those dreams where I can still recall much of the details. In this dream I was at a church. This church was a one stop 'shopping' destination, where there were rows of goods and all the goods were uniform in color - blue and gold. There was also a restaurant, a laundry facility, and a large stage at the front. Many of the members lined the asles and were 'ministering' by happily demonstrating the church's products. At the front there was an elaborate performance going on, and the performers were being treated like royalty. It was a very bizarre scene. Each performer had several people surrounding them; one person holding a microphone, one person holding a camera, and one person standing behind them with water and a towel. This church was a very busy place but there was no mention of the Father, no mention of his beloved Son Jesus, and no mention of the Spirit. Nor any was there any mention of the astounding news of our adoption. Only this frenzy of activity centered around goods, services, and entertainment.
What does such a dream mean? I'm not sure about all the details; for example why were all the products blue and gold? I have no idea. However, I would say that in general it means that in an effort to be relevant to our culture, we have lost the heart of our faith. The dark side of Consumerism in our culture is apparent if you think about it for a minute. Owning particular name brands have become a way to identify or fit in with a particular group. (Think Apple, or Mercedes Benz, or Abercrombie) Often it's all about style over substance, and we buy into the idea of constructing an identity by consuming certain brands. Christian Products? Christian Entertainment? Christian Services? Has Christianity become a brand that you use or wear, rather than a deep relationship purchased by Christ that we walk in day by day?

A while back I did read a book called 'The Divine Commodity' by Skye Jethani. In the book he takes an interesting approach, using some of the works of Vincent Van Gogh as a launching pad to critique both consumerism, and consumer Christianity. A prominent theme in this book, that runs as a counter point to the shallowness of consumerism, is the the relational nature of God and man, and the power of God's Divine Love; Van Gogh would use the color yellow to represent Divine Love, and the sky in many of his paintings would be ablaze with this Divine Love. Sadly our ability to connect to God, and one another has atrophied in this culture. Jethani writes:

In his book Following Christ in a Consumer Culture, John Kavanaugh argues that our lifestyle of guarded isolation is the result of grounding our identities in external possessions. Consumerism has caused our attention to be fixated on the surface and style of our lives so that over time we have lost the ability to nourish our interior life. Kavanaugh says that without a meaninful interior life, a definable sense of self apart from possessions, we also lose the skills necessary to establish meaningful relationships.

The book is a fairly short read, and is definitely worth re-reading so that you can let the message sink in. I definitely recommend it.

The night before I had the dream, I was actually pondering Acts 21 and since we are on the subject of Syncretism, I figured I would share my thoughts about this as well. The details of Pauls arrest might be a bit surprising to those who have entered the fray of the 'Culture Wars'. There is some irony there calling it 'Culture Wars', when consumerism has invaded the church.... but i digress... Anyway, back to Pauls arrest. Do you know the details of what he was doing when he got arrested? Was he stirring up a crowd? Preaching on a street corner? No, in fact he says, "My accusers did not find me arguing with anyone at the temple, or stirring up a crowd in the synagogues or anywhere else in the city." (Acts 24:12). In fact, he was trying to show that he was still a Jew (who happened to believe the Messiah had come). He was participating (and paying for) a cleansing ritual at the temple as a way to identify with his fellow Jews. He was being conciliatory, but they would have none of that. It's actually quite a different picture than the typical American Christian activist isn't it? My thought? Maybe we fuse some of our American ideals, with our faith. And we don't give it a second thought because America is a Christian Nation right?? Yeah... right...

Not of this World

Jesus answered, "My kingdom doesn't belong to this world. If it did, my followers would have fought to keep me from being handed over to the Jewish leaders. No, my kingdom doesn't belong to this world." John 18:36 (CEV)

Last night I watched 2 programs on the History Channel that happened to give some interesting insight into how a 1st century Greek (Gentile) would understand the New Testament. The first program was on Hades, the god of the dead in Greek mythology. He was the god that all Greeks feared, and almost none worshiped. They believed that no one could escape Hades' eventual grip. So for them to read in Revelation that Death and Hades' are cast into the lake of fire, would mean much more than just a place; it would read like a great hope -- the end of Hades' grip on any persons life.

The second program was on Alexander the Great's attempt to conquer India. As I was sitting there trying to get my head around why anyone would travel thousands of kilometers and fight numerous tribes in order to lay claim to some distant territory, the words of Jesus in John 18:36 came to mind. He contrasts the world's idea of a kingdom, with God's. The worldly kingdoms use armies, force, and violence to expand the territory of the King. In The Message, Eugene Peterson, phrases the last half of John 18:36 this way, "But I'm not that kind of king, not the world's kind of king." Jesus is a different kind of Lord altogether. He gives, rather than takes. He lays down his life for those in his Kingdom. He is one who uses the left handed indirect power of Love, rather than using the sword. He doesn't ask his subjects to fight, but rather live as he lived. He neither coerces people to be subject to him by fear, nor begs for subjects. He only asks us to believe that he IS the resurrected, glorious Lord. He is better than good; better than we could imagine; and worth following.

I am so here right now...

"... a quiet hush imprints itself upon my occasionally frenetic thoughts; momentum is lost in that haze, and all attempts at forging new thoughts, new paths, new articulations—fall flat and silent long before their time.
Is this what it is to be content? Lost in the doldrums of ceaseless being? Where is the doing? The fear-induced striving has been slowly stripped from my heart."
-- ML, The Doldrums

The Doldrums beautifully expresses where I seem to be at right now. It's not a place of sadness nor is it a place full of energy and thought. For now my thoughts tend to gravitate to a singular subject, and the words to adequately express my thoughts fail me. I do feel a small restlessness -- echos from a past life of striving but, like Moses, I refuse to move on from here unless Father goes with me. So I am content to stay here until I feel his nudging.

"Even less can I deny the beauty of His love that unmasked those things; how it pervades my very being with ruthless and shocking mercy. How tender the heart of love that pours itself upon my wounds—mostly self-inflicted—and heals like a salve; it is the only true panacea, the one thing that makes the term plausible. Yet here I am in the doldrums. How long oh Lord, how long?"
-- ML

Coffee....

I like coffee. OK, so I like cheap Coffee too. Sorry to all you coffee snobs out there, but it probably has something to do with my introduction to coffee.

You see, when I was in elementary school (in the days when we were living in San Antonio) there was this bus that came around every Sunday and took kids to church. This church was small, it didn't have Sunday School and it didn't have great programs. What it did have was a bus, and some nice older folks who thought they needed more kids around that church. So they would go to some of the local neighborhoods and pick up kids. Of course this was back in the days when churches were generally considered trustworthy and parents didn't think twice about putting their kids on a church bus. This church didn't disappoint either, the only crime they could be accused of is letting at least one kid have coffee.

I don't remember much about the worship services there. I know they sang, some guy talked for way too long, then they passed around a plate of juice and crackers which I was forbidden to partake of. But, before the service began, all the adults would stand around and talk while drinking cheap coffee made in an old fashioned peculator and eating a doughnut. So I decided that I should do the same thing. I got a doughnut (of course) and some coffee; which I first tried black but, being a kid, that was too much for me. So I added some sugar and creamer and that made it taste good to me. For whatever reason, these older (probably retired) adults didn't chase me away from the coffee. In fact they were very kind, and would chat with me just like they did with the other adults. In many ways they reminded me of my grandma, who also was kind to me.

Because of that church and their kindness, coffee and doughnuts became holy to me. They were like the bread and wine to me. Coffee is a sacred reminder to me; it is the thing I drink when I'm tired, or when I doubt. Since then, I've had great Italian coffee in the heart of Rome, and I've had barely drinkable coffee made over a campfire. But it is always a sacred thing to me, a reminder of the kindness of God shown through a few kind believers.

Book: Introvert Power

Introverts are often misunderstood; even by other introverts. As Laurie Helgo, PhD, points out in her book Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength, if you live in America, then you live in an extroverted society and introversion can often be looked at by society as a problem or short coming. If we turn down an invitation to a big party, people will often wonder 'What's wrong?' Or if we say we need to be alone for a while, everyone worries. It's also quite common for introverts to think about their answer before they throw it out there, and this sometimes earns us a false impression of being 'slow'. Dr. Helgoe is a Psychologist and fellow introvert, who has written a great book that will help dispel some of these misunderstandings, and encourage introverts to be comfortable with their introversion.

In Psychology, Introversion and Extroversion are defined as preferences, not conditions or traits. Dr. Helgo describes the Introvert preference this way: "Introverts generally prefer a rich inner life to an expansive social life; we would rather talk intimately with a close friend than share stories with a group; and we prefer to develop our ideas internally rather than interactively." (p. 4) Introverts also prefer sharing ideas, over small talk. And we recharge our batteries through quiet solitary activities such as book reading, walks, meditation, movies, or intimate conversation with plenty of time to pause and reflect. While big groups, and loud parties tend to exhaust us. An extrovert, by contrast, is energized by big parties, large groups of friends, and spirited fast paced conversations with topics running all over the map.

In a previous post I said that I would love to be an extrovert but after reading this book, I'm quite happy and content to stay the way that I am. I really do enjoy my introversion preference and will quit worrying that I'm missing out on something just because I don't enjoy a big get-together. Instead I'll focus on what I do enjoy -- family, smaller groups with just a few friends, books, and solitude.

Dr. Helgo's book is meant to educate both introverts and extroverts alike, and there is much more to the book than I've mentioned here. She wants everyone to know that being an introvert isn't a handicap; we aren't slow, we aren't snobs, we aren't unsocial or anti-social. We just process differently, and introverts have many strengths that we can bring to society. So be sure to give it a read if you want to get some ideas on how to carve out some needed quite space in your life, or if you want to understand the introvert in your life.

Hypocrisy and Acceptance in a Culture stripped of Grace

Last night a good friend of mine, who is a Christian apologist, mentioned that one of the most common questions she is asked is the question of hypocrisy in the Church. Her typical answer to this question is to remind the questioner that the Church is made up of people, and people will fail. While this is certainly true, the fact that this answer is used and accepted points to something deeper in our culture; that is, we live in a culture stripped of Grace.
How many times have you heard of a coach that has gotten his team to the playoffs, but when the team loses the playoff game it seems that everyone is calling for his resignation. Or how about when a good pitcher has a bad day? For our culture, failure is not an option, and it seems that moral failure is equated with hypocrisy. This is of course a departure from the original meaning of hypocrisy.
Hypocrisy by definition means that we would pretend to believe something that we don't actually believe, or to hide our true self behind a false exterior. And I believe that since we live in a culture stripped of Grace, this has become the norm for many; and maybe that is why we don't label it hypocrisy any more. We all tend to hide traits, values, or preferences that a particular group may find unacceptable. When in a church setting we may try to hide an addiction, or anger, or doubt. And in a group of our peers at work or at school, we may hide something as simple as still liking Disney movies, we may hide our feelings, or we may even go against our conscience. We do this because there is a deep longing for acceptance that we can't deny and, in a culture stripped of Grace, the last thing you would want to do is to admit your flaws. Oh we have our moments when the facade falls apart and everyone gets to have a moment of honesty, but then we are expected to get it together and move on.
I think the thing that drives hypocrisy, or hiding is the graceless culture we live in. I must admit that it's one thing to recognize that we live in a graceless culture, and it's quite another thing to practice grace. It's a struggle for me, a coping mechanism I learned early on was to not give second chances to people who hurt me. It will probably take a lifetime to unlearn that, but it is definitely something I will strive to do.

A funny conversation with a 4 year old

So I'm working from home today (Friday the 13th!) and my youngest comes up to me and wants to know if I can play, here is how the conversation went:

Zane: Dad, can you play this with me (Holds up the game 'Life')

Me: No I can't I'm working, I can later tonight.

Zane: Why not now?

Me: My boss might get upset with me if I played instead of worked.

Zane: Is your boss inside your stomach?

Me (laughing): No he is in New York.

Zane: Oh.... is New York inside your stomach?

Me (laughing):No it's far away from here..... wait, are you trying to say I have a big stomach?

Zane: No daddy, you have a small stomach...

Ah kids, you never know what they are going to say! He made my day with the small stomach comment :)

A Better Story

"Then I said something that caught his attention. I said his daughter was living
a terrible story."

These lines, by Donald Miller in his book "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years", set up a story about a conversation that changed a family's life. After talking about what makes a good story, the dad decided to quit yelling at his daughter about her poor choices and provide a better story for their family and invite her into that story. The new story was one that was out of the ordinary, one that had risk, sacrifice, and adventure. I won't spoil the story for you, but I will give you this warning. If you read it, it's quite dusty and could cause your eyes to get irritated and start watering...

Reading this has happened to coincide with a visit from some old friends of ours, Jim and Linda (and their 3 sweet daughters). They are a family who decided to live a better story. About 5 years ago they decided to leave the comfortable American life and became Missionaries in Sub Saharan Africa. They are part of a media team that puts together information to educate people about the needs in Africa, and they also minister to street kids in the slums near their home. It's not easy, it's not some romanticized version of a missionary life. They have just as many negative turns in their story, as there are positive ones. But still it's a better story. Even after days where it seems like no one is listening or seeing more need than one family can hope to fill in a lifetime, they can still look at where they have made a difference and know that theirs is truly a good story. It's been a good visit to talk with them, and I can tell that they are eager to get back to Africa - back to the story God has invited them into.

As for me, I have a feeling that my own story will change soon. There has been an inciting incident already, now we just have wait and see how the main character and the Author of all our stories work things out from here....

The Scripture of Nature

One learns that the world, though made is yet being made.
That this is still the morning of creation.
That mountains, long conceived, are now being born
brought to light by the glaciers
channels traced for rivers
basins hollowed for lakes.
When we try to pick out anything by itself
we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.
The whole wilderness in unity and interrelation is alive and familiar.
The very stones seem talkative, sympathetic, brotherly.

Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where Nature may heal and cheer and give strength to body and soul alike. This natural beauty-hunger is made manifest in our magnificent National parks — Nature’s sublime wonderlands - the admiration and joy of the world.

- From the writings of John Muir

If you watched the PBS special The National Parks - America's Best Idea, then you know that the title of my post is taken from the first in the series, and that the quotes I've used from John Muir are read during the introduction. The series has got me thinking about how different my life would be if there were no National Parks, State Parks, or other Camping grounds to go to. Admittedly I don't go nearly often enough, but such places have left indelible impressions on my memory.

The year before I entered high school, I went to Philmont Scout Ranch in New Mexico; 200 plus square miles of wilderness somewhere between Cimarron and Angle Fire, near the southern end of the Rockies. It is a trip that I will never forget, it changed me physically, mentally, and spiritually. There were unforgettable places, like Bear Canyon, Urraca Mesa, Tooth Ridge, and Baldy. And somewhere along the hiking trails, God showed up, unannounced and uninvited. It was a time in my life when I wasn't talking to him or looking for him, but he showed up anyway. It was here that I truly understood the Apostle Paul's words for the first time, "For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse." (Ro 1:20) It is something that I would remember again as I visited other places like the Grand Canyon, the Rockies, or the painted desert. It was at Philmont that I would, for the first time write down my experiences in a Poem; reflecting on the soul-refreshing experience, and a lightning show God gave to us as we ate lunch one day. Though it would be several more years before I would respond to his voice, I first heard it in that wild place; away from the din of city noise and the hurried pace of modern life. And ever afterward, my heart would long for the mountains and wild places where his voice was more easily perceived.

So I wonder what my life would be like without these places. Would I have ever heard His voice?