I am so here right now...

"... a quiet hush imprints itself upon my occasionally frenetic thoughts; momentum is lost in that haze, and all attempts at forging new thoughts, new paths, new articulations—fall flat and silent long before their time.
Is this what it is to be content? Lost in the doldrums of ceaseless being? Where is the doing? The fear-induced striving has been slowly stripped from my heart."
-- ML, The Doldrums

The Doldrums beautifully expresses where I seem to be at right now. It's not a place of sadness nor is it a place full of energy and thought. For now my thoughts tend to gravitate to a singular subject, and the words to adequately express my thoughts fail me. I do feel a small restlessness -- echos from a past life of striving but, like Moses, I refuse to move on from here unless Father goes with me. So I am content to stay here until I feel his nudging.

"Even less can I deny the beauty of His love that unmasked those things; how it pervades my very being with ruthless and shocking mercy. How tender the heart of love that pours itself upon my wounds—mostly self-inflicted—and heals like a salve; it is the only true panacea, the one thing that makes the term plausible. Yet here I am in the doldrums. How long oh Lord, how long?"
-- ML

Coffee....

I like coffee. OK, so I like cheap Coffee too. Sorry to all you coffee snobs out there, but it probably has something to do with my introduction to coffee.

You see, when I was in elementary school (in the days when we were living in San Antonio) there was this bus that came around every Sunday and took kids to church. This church was small, it didn't have Sunday School and it didn't have great programs. What it did have was a bus, and some nice older folks who thought they needed more kids around that church. So they would go to some of the local neighborhoods and pick up kids. Of course this was back in the days when churches were generally considered trustworthy and parents didn't think twice about putting their kids on a church bus. This church didn't disappoint either, the only crime they could be accused of is letting at least one kid have coffee.

I don't remember much about the worship services there. I know they sang, some guy talked for way too long, then they passed around a plate of juice and crackers which I was forbidden to partake of. But, before the service began, all the adults would stand around and talk while drinking cheap coffee made in an old fashioned peculator and eating a doughnut. So I decided that I should do the same thing. I got a doughnut (of course) and some coffee; which I first tried black but, being a kid, that was too much for me. So I added some sugar and creamer and that made it taste good to me. For whatever reason, these older (probably retired) adults didn't chase me away from the coffee. In fact they were very kind, and would chat with me just like they did with the other adults. In many ways they reminded me of my grandma, who also was kind to me.

Because of that church and their kindness, coffee and doughnuts became holy to me. They were like the bread and wine to me. Coffee is a sacred reminder to me; it is the thing I drink when I'm tired, or when I doubt. Since then, I've had great Italian coffee in the heart of Rome, and I've had barely drinkable coffee made over a campfire. But it is always a sacred thing to me, a reminder of the kindness of God shown through a few kind believers.

Book: Introvert Power

Introverts are often misunderstood; even by other introverts. As Laurie Helgo, PhD, points out in her book Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength, if you live in America, then you live in an extroverted society and introversion can often be looked at by society as a problem or short coming. If we turn down an invitation to a big party, people will often wonder 'What's wrong?' Or if we say we need to be alone for a while, everyone worries. It's also quite common for introverts to think about their answer before they throw it out there, and this sometimes earns us a false impression of being 'slow'. Dr. Helgoe is a Psychologist and fellow introvert, who has written a great book that will help dispel some of these misunderstandings, and encourage introverts to be comfortable with their introversion.

In Psychology, Introversion and Extroversion are defined as preferences, not conditions or traits. Dr. Helgo describes the Introvert preference this way: "Introverts generally prefer a rich inner life to an expansive social life; we would rather talk intimately with a close friend than share stories with a group; and we prefer to develop our ideas internally rather than interactively." (p. 4) Introverts also prefer sharing ideas, over small talk. And we recharge our batteries through quiet solitary activities such as book reading, walks, meditation, movies, or intimate conversation with plenty of time to pause and reflect. While big groups, and loud parties tend to exhaust us. An extrovert, by contrast, is energized by big parties, large groups of friends, and spirited fast paced conversations with topics running all over the map.

In a previous post I said that I would love to be an extrovert but after reading this book, I'm quite happy and content to stay the way that I am. I really do enjoy my introversion preference and will quit worrying that I'm missing out on something just because I don't enjoy a big get-together. Instead I'll focus on what I do enjoy -- family, smaller groups with just a few friends, books, and solitude.

Dr. Helgo's book is meant to educate both introverts and extroverts alike, and there is much more to the book than I've mentioned here. She wants everyone to know that being an introvert isn't a handicap; we aren't slow, we aren't snobs, we aren't unsocial or anti-social. We just process differently, and introverts have many strengths that we can bring to society. So be sure to give it a read if you want to get some ideas on how to carve out some needed quite space in your life, or if you want to understand the introvert in your life.

Hypocrisy and Acceptance in a Culture stripped of Grace

Last night a good friend of mine, who is a Christian apologist, mentioned that one of the most common questions she is asked is the question of hypocrisy in the Church. Her typical answer to this question is to remind the questioner that the Church is made up of people, and people will fail. While this is certainly true, the fact that this answer is used and accepted points to something deeper in our culture; that is, we live in a culture stripped of Grace.
How many times have you heard of a coach that has gotten his team to the playoffs, but when the team loses the playoff game it seems that everyone is calling for his resignation. Or how about when a good pitcher has a bad day? For our culture, failure is not an option, and it seems that moral failure is equated with hypocrisy. This is of course a departure from the original meaning of hypocrisy.
Hypocrisy by definition means that we would pretend to believe something that we don't actually believe, or to hide our true self behind a false exterior. And I believe that since we live in a culture stripped of Grace, this has become the norm for many; and maybe that is why we don't label it hypocrisy any more. We all tend to hide traits, values, or preferences that a particular group may find unacceptable. When in a church setting we may try to hide an addiction, or anger, or doubt. And in a group of our peers at work or at school, we may hide something as simple as still liking Disney movies, we may hide our feelings, or we may even go against our conscience. We do this because there is a deep longing for acceptance that we can't deny and, in a culture stripped of Grace, the last thing you would want to do is to admit your flaws. Oh we have our moments when the facade falls apart and everyone gets to have a moment of honesty, but then we are expected to get it together and move on.
I think the thing that drives hypocrisy, or hiding is the graceless culture we live in. I must admit that it's one thing to recognize that we live in a graceless culture, and it's quite another thing to practice grace. It's a struggle for me, a coping mechanism I learned early on was to not give second chances to people who hurt me. It will probably take a lifetime to unlearn that, but it is definitely something I will strive to do.

A funny conversation with a 4 year old

So I'm working from home today (Friday the 13th!) and my youngest comes up to me and wants to know if I can play, here is how the conversation went:

Zane: Dad, can you play this with me (Holds up the game 'Life')

Me: No I can't I'm working, I can later tonight.

Zane: Why not now?

Me: My boss might get upset with me if I played instead of worked.

Zane: Is your boss inside your stomach?

Me (laughing): No he is in New York.

Zane: Oh.... is New York inside your stomach?

Me (laughing):No it's far away from here..... wait, are you trying to say I have a big stomach?

Zane: No daddy, you have a small stomach...

Ah kids, you never know what they are going to say! He made my day with the small stomach comment :)

A Better Story

"Then I said something that caught his attention. I said his daughter was living
a terrible story."

These lines, by Donald Miller in his book "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years", set up a story about a conversation that changed a family's life. After talking about what makes a good story, the dad decided to quit yelling at his daughter about her poor choices and provide a better story for their family and invite her into that story. The new story was one that was out of the ordinary, one that had risk, sacrifice, and adventure. I won't spoil the story for you, but I will give you this warning. If you read it, it's quite dusty and could cause your eyes to get irritated and start watering...

Reading this has happened to coincide with a visit from some old friends of ours, Jim and Linda (and their 3 sweet daughters). They are a family who decided to live a better story. About 5 years ago they decided to leave the comfortable American life and became Missionaries in Sub Saharan Africa. They are part of a media team that puts together information to educate people about the needs in Africa, and they also minister to street kids in the slums near their home. It's not easy, it's not some romanticized version of a missionary life. They have just as many negative turns in their story, as there are positive ones. But still it's a better story. Even after days where it seems like no one is listening or seeing more need than one family can hope to fill in a lifetime, they can still look at where they have made a difference and know that theirs is truly a good story. It's been a good visit to talk with them, and I can tell that they are eager to get back to Africa - back to the story God has invited them into.

As for me, I have a feeling that my own story will change soon. There has been an inciting incident already, now we just have wait and see how the main character and the Author of all our stories work things out from here....

The Scripture of Nature

One learns that the world, though made is yet being made.
That this is still the morning of creation.
That mountains, long conceived, are now being born
brought to light by the glaciers
channels traced for rivers
basins hollowed for lakes.
When we try to pick out anything by itself
we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.
The whole wilderness in unity and interrelation is alive and familiar.
The very stones seem talkative, sympathetic, brotherly.

Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where Nature may heal and cheer and give strength to body and soul alike. This natural beauty-hunger is made manifest in our magnificent National parks — Nature’s sublime wonderlands - the admiration and joy of the world.

- From the writings of John Muir

If you watched the PBS special The National Parks - America's Best Idea, then you know that the title of my post is taken from the first in the series, and that the quotes I've used from John Muir are read during the introduction. The series has got me thinking about how different my life would be if there were no National Parks, State Parks, or other Camping grounds to go to. Admittedly I don't go nearly often enough, but such places have left indelible impressions on my memory.

The year before I entered high school, I went to Philmont Scout Ranch in New Mexico; 200 plus square miles of wilderness somewhere between Cimarron and Angle Fire, near the southern end of the Rockies. It is a trip that I will never forget, it changed me physically, mentally, and spiritually. There were unforgettable places, like Bear Canyon, Urraca Mesa, Tooth Ridge, and Baldy. And somewhere along the hiking trails, God showed up, unannounced and uninvited. It was a time in my life when I wasn't talking to him or looking for him, but he showed up anyway. It was here that I truly understood the Apostle Paul's words for the first time, "For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse." (Ro 1:20) It is something that I would remember again as I visited other places like the Grand Canyon, the Rockies, or the painted desert. It was at Philmont that I would, for the first time write down my experiences in a Poem; reflecting on the soul-refreshing experience, and a lightning show God gave to us as we ate lunch one day. Though it would be several more years before I would respond to his voice, I first heard it in that wild place; away from the din of city noise and the hurried pace of modern life. And ever afterward, my heart would long for the mountains and wild places where his voice was more easily perceived.

So I wonder what my life would be like without these places. Would I have ever heard His voice?